5 non-verbal ways to show your partner you're not okay
By Relate
When Words Are Too Hard
Sometimes we're struggling but can't find the words to explain what's wrong. Maybe we're overwhelmed, emotionally flooded, or simply don't understand our own feelings yet. In these moments, non-verbal communication becomes crucial.
For neurodivergent individuals, people with anxiety, or anyone experiencing emotional overwhelm, verbal communication can feel impossible when we need support most.
Why Non-Verbal Signals Work
- They don't require emotional energy to formulate
- They can't be misinterpreted as easily as words
- They respect your need for space while still communicating
- They allow your partner to respond appropriately
- They prevent misunderstandings that lead to conflict
5 Simple Non-Verbal Signals
1. The Relate Traffic Light System
Using the Relate app's red, yellow, green system is the most direct way to communicate your emotional state:
- Red: I'm overwhelmed and need space
- Yellow: I'm struggling but can connect with patience
- Green: I'm okay and emotionally available
2. Physical Positioning
Your body language can communicate volumes:
- Sitting with your back to your partner = need space
- Curling up in a ball = feeling vulnerable, need comfort
- Pacing or fidgeting = anxious energy, need movement
- Lying flat on the floor = completely overwhelmed
3. Simple Hand Signals
Develop a few basic hand signals with your partner:
- Palm up = I need help but don't know what kind
- Flat hand, palm down = I need you to stop talking
- Pointing to yourself then away = I need to leave this space
- Thumbs down = I'm not okay
4. Object Signals
Use everyday items to communicate your state:
- Wearing headphones = need sensory protection
- Holding a pillow = need comfort
- Closing bedroom door = need complete privacy
- Leaving your phone in another room = need digital detox
5. Written Notes
Sometimes writing is easier than speaking:
- Keep a small notepad for quick messages
- Use your phone's notes app
- Pre-write common messages like "I need 20 minutes"
- Draw simple faces or symbols if words are too hard
Teaching Your Partner to Respond
When You Signal You're Not Okay
Help your partner understand how to respond to each signal:
- Don't ask "What's wrong?" immediately
- Offer practical support: water, blanket, quiet space
- Respect the signal without taking it personally
- Check in gently after some time has passed
What NOT to Do
- Ignore the signals
- Demand verbal explanations
- Try to "fix" the situation immediately
- Take the signals as rejection
- Overwhelm with questions or attention
For Neurodivergent Individuals
Sensory Overwhelm Signals
- Covering ears = too much noise
- Closing eyes = too much visual input
- Moving to a corner = need smaller space
- Stimming behaviors = self-regulation in progress
Communication Shutdown Signals
- Pointing to throat and shaking head = can't speak right now
- Typing on phone instead of talking = words are hard
- Using fewer words than usual = conserving energy
- Repeating phrases = processing difficulty
Creating Your Own Signal System
Start Simple
Begin with just 2-3 basic signals and build from there.
Practice When Calm
Don't wait for a crisis to introduce new signals. Practice when you're both relaxed.
Be Consistent
Use the same signals every time so your partner can learn to recognize them.
Respect Each Other's Signals
Both partners should have signals, and both should honor them without question.
When to Use Non-Verbal Communication
- During sensory overwhelm
- When emotions are too big for words
- During panic attacks or anxiety spikes
- When you're emotionally flooded
- After arguments when you need space
- During illness or extreme fatigue
Building Understanding Over Time
Non-verbal communication gets more effective with practice:
- Your partner learns to read your signals more accurately
- You become more aware of your own emotional states
- Trust builds as signals are consistently respected
- Conflicts decrease as misunderstandings reduce
The Relate Advantage
While developing your own signal system is valuable, the Relate app offers:
- A universally understood system
- No need to teach or remember custom signals
- Works even when you're not in the same location
- Provides a record of emotional patterns
- Reduces the cognitive load of communication
Remember: needing non-verbal ways to communicate distress isn't a weakness. It's a practical solution that honors how your brain works and helps your partner support you better.