Why we shut down during arguments — and how to prevent it
By Relate
The Science of Emotional Shutdown
When we feel overwhelmed during conflict, our nervous system activates a protective response called "emotional flooding." This isn't a choice - it's an automatic survival mechanism that's been keeping humans safe for thousands of years.
During emotional flooding, your body:
- Releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline
- Redirects blood flow away from the thinking brain
- Activates fight, flight, or freeze responses
- Reduces your ability to process language and think clearly
What Shutdown Looks Like
Emotional shutdown can manifest differently in different people:
The Withdrawer
- Goes quiet or stops responding
- Physically turns away or leaves the room
- Says "I don't want to talk about this"
- Appears calm but is actually overwhelmed inside
The Escalator
- Raises their voice or becomes aggressive
- Says things they don't mean
- Brings up past issues
- Can't seem to stop arguing even when they want to
Why This Hurts Relationships
When one partner shuts down, it often triggers the other partner's own stress response. This creates a negative cycle:
Partner A gets overwhelmed → shuts down → Partner B feels rejected → pursues harder → Partner A shuts down more → Partner B gets more frustrated → conflict escalates
Early Warning Signs
Learning to recognize the early signs of emotional flooding can help you intervene before shutdown happens:
- Heart rate increases (over 100 beats per minute)
- Feeling hot or flushed
- Difficulty finding words
- Feeling like you want to escape
- Physical tension in jaw, shoulders, or stomach
- Thoughts racing or going blank
Prevention Strategies
Before the Conversation
- Check your emotional state using Relate's traffic light system
- If you're yellow or red, wait until you're green to discuss difficult topics
- Choose a time when both partners are calm and fed
- Agree on a signal for taking breaks if needed
During the Conversation
- Speak slowly and keep your voice calm
- Take turns talking without interrupting
- Focus on one issue at a time
- Use "I" statements instead of "you" accusations
- Take breaks if either person starts to feel flooded
What to Do When Shutdown Happens
For the Person Shutting Down:
- Recognize what's happening: "I'm feeling overwhelmed"
- Communicate your need: "I need a 20-minute break to calm down"
- Commit to returning: "Let's talk about this at 7pm"
- Use the break to self-soothe, not rehearse arguments
For the Partner:
- Respect their need for space
- Don't follow them or continue the argument
- Use the time to calm yourself down too
- Remember: they're not rejecting you, they're protecting their nervous system
How Relate Helps Prevent Shutdown
The Relate app helps couples avoid emotional flooding by:
- Providing early warning when someone is struggling (yellow light)
- Clearly communicating when someone needs space (red light)
- Showing when both people are ready to connect (green light)
- Removing the pressure to find words when overwhelmed
Building Emotional Resilience
Over time, you can increase your capacity to stay connected during difficult conversations:
- Practice mindfulness and breathing exercises daily
- Regular exercise to help process stress hormones
- Adequate sleep and nutrition to support emotional regulation
- Therapy or counseling to address underlying triggers
Remember: emotional shutdown is not a sign of weakness or lack of love. It's your nervous system trying to protect you. With understanding and the right tools, you can learn to stay connected even during difficult moments.